July 16th, 2014 was the day that my heart shattered in a million pieces. The feelings of helplessness and despair left me wondering if I would ever be put back together again. Everyone has dates they remember; their wedding, their children's birthday, or worse the day they lost a child. Unfortunately living in this reality we have too many dates marked in our memories for negative reasons. While I will never understand the why, I have chosen to stop asking and enjoy the present. Oddly enough, July 16th passed this year and it didn’t stop me in my tracks as it has in past years. When I made it through that date I think back and smile. I smile because of how far we’ve come, I smile because there have been more joyful moments that have replaced those sad moments. I believe life is made up of these and what we chose to do with them is left up to us. So while I’ll never forget this day, I also realize that it was the beginning of us starting to understand and embrace our new future. It gave us a glimpse of how strong Sloane is and how she was meant to be here all along.
When I woke up on July 16 2014, I had no idea that we were walking into a day of unknowns. I remember being anxious but not necessarily in a bad way. I was anxious for answers and was honestly hoping to have a quick response by the end of the day. My pregnancy with Sloane was for the most part normal. I had two scares in my first trimester and I thought for sure I was miscarrying but every time I went to my doctor they found a heartbeat and said we were fine. It was early in my pregnancy, I think around 8-10 weeks, when the doctor confirmed I had placenta previa. That just meant they would watch me closely but nothing overly concerning and nothing was wrong with the baby. Just lighter workouts and if it didn't go away by my third trimester which most do, they would do a c-section. Due to Placenta Previa, I needed additional ultrasounds to determine if my placenta was moving and sure enough between 22-24 weeks it did. All these extra scans showed the baby was perfect, the placenta previa was no longer a concern and we were left with a false sense of security. After 24 weeks I started to gain a tremendous amount of weight but in full transparency I was eating a ton of ice cream with sprinkles everyday. Also, everyone tells you that you carry girls differently than boys so I swept it under the rug. Let me put into perspective how much weight I gained; every person I ran into would wish me luck and ask when the baby was due, assuming it was days/weeks away. Sadly I was still two months away.
After starting to get physically uncomfortable with all the weight gain, I knew I had some questions for my doctor at my next appointment. Thankfully Jay was able to be there with me. In hindsight we should have known something was off but we were working parents of a toddler and frankly I thought I was being a baby. When we saw my doctor later that day I was in tears explaining the pain I was in. He measured me and I was measuring at 42 weeks. I was only 32 weeks along. Either the baby was bigger or I was retaining fluid which could mean a problem. He ordered an ultrasound immediately. We weren’t prepared for what the next four hours had in store for us. Not one clue. Also let me say this, so many people have asked how we didn't know sooner. I think not knowing was the beginning of the many blessings we experienced through this whole ordeal. I really believe if we were to have found out any earlier that something was wrong, the torture of “what if's” would have been worse for me to handle. It also allowed us to be parents to a two year old who needed us which, in hindsight, I'm truly grateful for. We enjoyed vacations and time with him without the anxiety and worry of what was to come. While we have plenty of that now, we are better prepared for it and have learned how to adapt.
We walked into the ultrasound room and our tech started to do our scan. Pure silence is always a bad sign. For 15 minutes she did all sorts of measurements and then walked out of the room without saying a word. In that moment I knew something was seriously wrong. I remember sitting in shock wondering what I did to deserve this and just sobbing without knowing what was wrong. My doctor walked in and I love this man because he was as gracious as can be in that moment. He simply said “there is a growth on the baby’s head/brain. It wasn’t there 6 weeks ago but it’s there now." We asked what it was and he had no idea but he made an appointment with another doctor who specialized in Maternal Fetal Medicine and he walked us over to be seen in hopes of learning more. Thankfully we only had to wait 10 minutes and they brought us back. A new tech started another ultrasound and mentioned a couple of possibilities. She said the only thing I’ve ever seen is a teratoma but was hesitant to diagnose that definitively since they are extremely rate.
Now a new doctor walks in and starts going over everything. At this point I’m totally numb and freaking out. We called my parents to pick up Graham. Jay and I are sitting in silence wondering what the heck is happening and trying to decipher what the doctor is saying. She starts off saying it’s either a teratoma or encephalocele - neither is good. Then I'll NEVER forget her words right after: "You have the option to terminate your pregnancy, she probably isn’t going to make it."
I can't remember if I had tears at that point or was in absolute shock of the news. In four hours we learned that Sloane had something on her head, no one knew what it was, she probably wasn't going to make it, and we were given the option to terminate our BABY at 32 weeks while she was still kicking/dancing and letting us know not to give up on her. This girl has had a fight in her body since the moment we knew about her. When the doctor asked me those words I knew it was bad. We decided to do an amniocentesis to do further genetic testing in addition to what we already had done and then they drained two gallons of fluid to make me more comfortable. By doing that I knew it could have sent me into pre-term labor but at that point my first though was, at least we would know what we are dealing with since no one knew.
After the amnio, second ultrasound, and the question to terminate, we left with more questions, tears, and all the fears of “what if's.” What was next, who was taking on our case, and where in the world do we go from here?
My parents had Graham at our house. My best friend dropped off dinner and hugged me while I just cried and cried. After everyone left our house and we put our two year old to sleep I remember distinctly closing the door to Sloane’s nursery that I worked so hard on and wondered if I would ever bring her home to see it. That night I sobbed for hours wondering what was next and asking the question why. Why me? Why did this have to happen. It was probably the worst day of my life, feeling so out of control and with no ability to protect my unborn daughter. Honestly when I look back on those moments they were so RAW and full of hopelessness. Little did I know this is where the story begins. Waiting, waiting, and more waiting with lots of unknowns. Isn’t that how life is 99% of the time? I believe it’s how you handle your situation in the waiting moments that end up creating the next steps. In the beginning of all of this I asked WHY so much. I think everyone does when faced with an extremely difficult time. Through this, I've learned that we aren't meant to know why. I think if we did, it would overwhelm us so much so that we wouldn't press forward into the next part of journey.