Vulnerability

For two and a half weeks I’ve sat staring at the computer screen wondering why I’m allowing myself to be vulnerable. Being vulnerable is weird and uncomfortable and WHO WANTS TO BE THAT weird awkward person? Surely not me, but maybe, just maybe, by me being weird and awkward others might find it helpful when they are going through similar situations. I know when we were going through the thick of things with Sloane more often than not I wished to hear the words “I understand what you’re going through.” I know every situation is different but when you’re broken, you feel like you have to put on a happy face and smile when in reality you feel like you can barely function and want to scream from the rooftops. I have no idea how I’m not drinking myself to sleep or taking Vicodin to numb my fears of what tomorrow holds. I wish I could use emojis while writing, but that might make things more weird because I would insert the girl with her hand up over and over again saying that was ME, that was ME.

I know I’ve swept a lot of my feelings under the rug in order to “act normal” when inside I was grieving so many losses; I was grieving the loss of having a healthy child, grieving the loss of having a daughter that looked like me, grieving the loss of having “normal” maternity leave where I binged watched Mad Men like I did with Graham, while my only outing was going to Starbucks drive through for my Venti Soy Latte that had God only knows how many grams of sugar in it, but, since I wasn’t sleeping who cared about that! I grieved the loss of the ability to be a family of four all together and taking walks around the neighborhood. Instead, my reality was three months away from my husband and two year old while I lived in Philadelphia. My reality was watching my newborn struggle to get better hoping and praying that we could all be in the same state soon. I wanted to grieve my expectations - and I think it’s important for me to say expectations. I was disappointed in unmet expectations that I put on myself. Looking back I realize they were expectations but still you’re allowed to grieve what you thought you lost. I don’t think I ever processed and worked though those feelings which in turn created a vicious cycle of disappointment and hurt because I constantly allowed myself to hope the situation would inexplicably change back to what I expected and it never did so again I would be disappointed. I think if I started to process and recognize these emotions early on I wouldn’t have felt the constant disappointment when my expectations were not met by my reality. Instead I spun a vicious circle and allowed myself to get wrapped up in a “woe is me” mentality and didn’t allow myself to see the joy in the moments. I eventually did, but I wish I could have done it sooner.

While I was struggling internally, I smiled and said I was fine, we are fine, and Sloane is fine. I didn’t want to look different and call attention to how different we really were. At home, we had 24 hours of nursing because Sloane had a trach that needed to be suctioned, she had a feeding tube because she couldn’t swallow food safely, and had three therapies a week that came to the house on top of all the other appointments we had to take her to. I think because of what our daily life looked life I pushed those feelings under the rug and prayed and hoped for the best while ignoring our reality. When I finally allowed myself to acknowledge that THIS SUCKS and I began to process what we are going through, only then did the healing start.

All of us go through different heartaches, depression, mental illness, job losses, and so many life altering events but we don’t talk about it. Why? Why is there is a stigma against talking and being real? Maybe we feel like no one else is going through similar situations because our connection with others has become manicured versions of reality, carefully curated with the perfect filter. We feel like we are the only ones with imperfect lives and that sometimes makes us only feel worse. So to all the moms out there that are struggling because your toddler won’t eat, I see you. To all the medically complex moms that are so frustrated with finding solid home care, I see you. To all my girlfriends that are waiting for the perfect man, I see you. I know this might not help but it helped me. This is a season, sometimes long, sometimes short, but I told Graham THIS today on our way to school. If we aren’t comfortable being uncomfortable in our season of losing, our season of tantrums, our season of changing diapers, or whatever your trial is, then we won’t see the joy that is supposed to come from those HARD MOMENTS. So be vulnerable, be real, and recognize there is freedom in being who you are called to be.

If you have some time listen to one of my favs, Brene’ Brown and her TedTalk on the Power of Vulnerability it might just change your life :-)