Parenting with PTSD. I think the easiest way to explain this is having that feeling like you’re constantly looking over your shoulder anticipating something bad is about to happen. So you’re never truly focused on what’s in front of you because you’re constantly turning, waiting, and anticipating those fears all while missing steps in front of you. Not focused behind and not focused in front.
Hopeful for a discharge soon.
I never even remotely considered that I might have PTSD until Jay’s cousin explained it to me last Thanksgiving. Almost four years ago I watched Sloane slip into two cardiac arrests after bringing her home from a three week hospital stay. The doctors let us go home because we promised to bring her back the next day to discuss a tracheostomy. We never made it to that appointment. We already spent Christmas and New Years in the hospital so we were thrilled to go home on January 1 with the reassurance from our doctors that we had what we needed at home to care for her. When we brought her home she was on heavy amounts of oxygen and looked pretty bad but we figured we just needed to make it work a few more days to figure out what course of action to take next. Little did we know her tiny body was so tired. She was tired of doctors and nurses trying to figure out what was wrong for three weeks to no avail. She was tired of trying to breath past the tumor in her airway that no one knew was there. While we were worried, we were so excited to be together with Graham. We had to split Christmas day between the hospital and my parents house and that was heartbreaking in itself. I remember slamming the door of my parents house trying to hold back tears of anger, I didn’t want to leave our two year old but I had to. Jay spent Christmas Eve with Sloane and I needed to relieve him so he could spend the day with Graham and get some rest. I was so ANGRY that I had to leave but I had no choice. I couldn’t give up on my daughter and husband. So to say we were happy to be home all together would be an understatement.
The one present I got to see Graham open on Christmas morning
As soon as the three of us got back to my parents house we set Sloane up on the floor with her oxygen tank and started the madness of opening gifts with everyone which is a HUGE event to our family. After unwrapping gifts, eating, and talking we all went to bed pretty exhausted. Jay and I were planning on taking turns sleeping in Sloane’s room to ensure she was breathing and was safe. Jay took the first shift and was catching up on highlights from the Buckeyes game when her alarm started to go crazy. He ran into Sloane’s room and picked her up: she was losing color, almost a grayish-blue, her skin was clammy, and her little body was lifeless. Her heart rate and oxygen numbers were dangerously low and dropping. He ran to get me and he quickly put her on the floor. I guess survival instinct kicked in and I immediately started CPR compressions while my mom prayed, Jay dialed 911, and my dad paced the hallway praying. As I counted 30 chest compressions along with two breaths there were thousands of thoughts flying. I was watching her numbers drop into the teens, wondering how God could let her die after everything we’ve already been through, that this moment could be the last that I spend with my daughter and this is NOT how I want to remember it. I remember staring into her eyes pleading with God to keep her brain whole if she did live. I remember all of these thoughts racing back and forth but yet I was still focused on what I had to do. With every compression Sloane just stared at me; our eyes were locked the entire time. I remember hearing my mom’s voice over Sloane, “You will not die, you will not die, and praying life over her lifeless body.” I know with every word that she declared it was an answer to prayer. To this day I have absolutely no idea how long this lasted because I’ve rarely talked about it or allowed myself to process the event. I don’t think I wanted to allow myself to remember because the pain and fear of losing her was too much for me to remember. I’ll save the rest of the story for later but watching your child slip away is something no parent should ever have to witness. It breaks you in half and brings you to your knees.
Christmas Day 2014 in the PICU
I know for myself, I avoided processing the trauma of administering CPR to my 4 month old for three years. It was easier to ignore these feelings rather than process them because of the hurt and fear. I think we can tend to do this in all aspects of our life. It’s easy to say tomorrow, I’ll do it tomorrow rather than do the hard stuff today. Whether that’s changing our diet, working out, communicating our feelings, or facing your fears head on. All it took for me was one person explaining that I experienced a trauma and “it’s ok not to be ok.” I replayed that conversation over and over and started to dissect how trauma was affecting my everyday life. I realized I was parenting Sloane totally different than I parent Graham. I was making my decisions out of heightened anxiety and fear of losing her again because I almost did. This goes back to my helicopter post. I had to acknowledge it was affecting me and the simple act of acknowledgment was what I needed to face this head on because I didn’t want my kids to be in therapy due to my heightened anxiety or fear of losing them. I wasn’t allowing joy to enter any situation because I was FREAKING out ALL THE TIME. Sometimes I still do but it’s a thousand times better. My therapist explained this so well the other day; when you experience a trauma your brain doesn’t allow you to let your guard down so you’re always on edge. So I decided I had no choice but to work through it.
Parenting little humans in general is already so hard, but throw on medical complications, illness, sickness, or anything else that causes trauma or stress it can potentially throw one into a realm of heightened awareness that probably isn’t good for anyone’s parenting ability. PTSD doesn’t allow us to feel the joy in the moments what we should be savoring. Instead it steals that and takes us down a path of “what ifs.” I know for me, what helped was acknowledging and processing the event itself and the feelings connected to the event and realizing it’s ok to ask for help. Therapy has helped, listening to podcasts has helped, and prayer has helped. I think with a combination of everything it allowed me to start the process of walking towards a new journey of hope without the burdens or anxieties of the what if’s that tend to weigh us down when all we’ve focused on is the trauma. It’s ok to not be ok because when you recognize that, that’t the first step in moving forward.
Waiting to go home